Alone
by Becca the fiend
Summary: Syaoran spends some time lost in his thoughts during his time in Infinity. Major spoilers up until chapter 220 of the manga. No major pairings.


Warning: Spoilers are contained for volume 16 up to chapter 220 of the Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles series. If you haven't gotten this far, I would advise against reading this until you have done so. The spoilers contained here are pretty major. Read on at your own risk.

Disclaimer: This series does not belong to me, it belongs to CLAMP. I do not gain money for writing this. It just serves to give me an outlet for my thoughts. That is all.

* * *

They're hiding something. The two of them, they're hiding something from me. Or at least they're trying to hide something from me. They try to cover it up, but I know better. But I think they're trying to hide it from the other in our group, too. But he and I aren't falling for it. We both know them better.

I'm fairly certain those two think I am a lot dumber than I really am. Or at least they're trying to believe that I am. They like to think I am my clone, who usually wouldn't notice these things, because he was still rather focused on those feathers, even with half of my heart. I can't blame him entirely, though. It was what he was created for, and even if he'd had my full soul, it would be impossible to completely override his purpose. Especially with that man orchestrating the entire scenario.

I think that those two blame me for what happened. Not consciously, of course, but somewhere deep inside of them, they blame their current troubles on me. And maybe it's somewhat true, because none of this would've happened if I hadn't broken the taboo with my wish. But then again, if it weren't for that man, I would never have made that wish in the first place, so I can't take all the blame.

However, they don't know that. And because of that, they blame me. They blame me for that seal on my clone's right eye breaking, to give me back my heart, and therefore removing his. They blame me for the fact the magician chose, by his own free will, to try and keep the seal intact, therefore losing his left eye, and leading that other man to save his life, of his own free will. They think, deep down, that I'm the reason their little 'family' fell apart.

But I'll be honest here. It's not my goddamn fault. Yes, I was the reason the clone was there at all, and yes, if my heart hadn't been placed in that clone, the seal wouldn't have broken. But I didn't tell that magician to try to keep that seal, and I didn't force that ninja to save his friend's life. They chose to do that, just as they choose to blame me now, and that mage chooses to try and keep himself distanced from the other man.

Quite frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm not to blame for this break in the group. Those two are doing it themselves, and they know it. But they still blame me, because they think I won't realize. I do realize what they're doing, though. And I really would like to just shake some sense into them sometimes, and try to get it across to them that they're the cause for their own suffering. Even though they wouldn't listen.

On the other hand, that ninja, he knows the truth. Or rather, as much of the truth he can know, without actually knowing anything of my past. He knows it's not my fault. He can tell what those other two are doing, and he knows I can, too.

Most importantly, that man knows I am not the same person as my clone. He knows that, while I may be similar to my clone in attitude, we aren't identical. He alone can tell that, while it may have been my "heart" that was in that clone, that doesn't mean I have the exact same values as my other. And it seems as though nobody else can tell.

That red-eyed man was always the closest to my clone of the two adults. And, even without having seen the entire journey like I had, I would be able to tell why through these past couple months.

I, too, have grown quite close to this man since I joined their group. Though I think there may have been an underlying bond between us through my experiences viewed through my clone, that wasn't the reason for the bond to grow stronger. We grew close because of our time together since 'Tokyo,' and not because of my clone. And I know he knows it, too.

I think the one thing the other two don't know that that ninja knows most of all is that I know a lot more about them than they like to think. I've been observing their whole journey through my clone, but those two forget I was only observing. I caught things my clone didn't, because he had to react to, and live through the situations he and I saw. I, however, had nothing to do but observe, and think about what I saw.

The ninja, he seems to realize that. He knows that I know far more about him than he'd really like, and he accepts it. But those other two, they think I'm _ignorant_. Those other two want to fool themselves into thinking I can't tell what they're thinking. They want to believe I'm far too dense to tell what they're planning.

But, no matter what they try to fool themselves into believing, I do know them just as well as my clone. In fact, I know them better than my clone. Again, because all I had the freedom to do when I was sealed by that Fei Wong was watch. I observed them, and I reflected on them. And damned if I didn't find things out about them that they don't really want others to know because of it.

That magician, especially, wants to think I don't notice. And I will give him the fact that I can't read him as closely as the ninja can, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid. I know that man must have some sort of dark past he's hiding from the rest of us. And he doesn't want us to get hurt from it, particularly not that ninja. Any fool who'd come on this journey would be able to tell.

That princess, she's the same way. She's trying to push me away, because she's realized the truth about herself. She doesn't want me to forget my original goal in all of this in favor of helping her. She thinks I might forget my original princess, and fall for her, and get hurt when she goes for my clone instead of me. She's kind to a fault, at times. Just like _she_ was.

I guess I'm not surprised by it. Those two princesses are very similar. And I can tell it's hurting this princess to keep me at such a far distance. Even though she doesn't feel for me as strongly as she does for my clone, she still has the same nature as my princess, and she hates to hurt people most of all. And I think the original princess's love for me has managed to find its way into this princess, which, again, isn't as strong as her love for my clone, but she can't help but feel for me, as well.

And I know this princess knows that I know her secret. How could I not, after all? But she wants to keep me from forgetting this secret. She doesn't really realize that it will never happen. I will _never_ forget my princess, nor that promise I made her. It's what started this whole fiasco, anyway.

But this promise is also why I want to protect this princess. I know the original wouldn't want her other to get hurt. Knowing that would hurt the original's heart more than anything. And when I made that promise all those years ago, I didn't just mean physical pain. That's why I'll protect this princess, too, with all I have. It's the least I can do to keep my own princess from getting hurt when I fulfill my wish.

I can tell the time to go back to that day is close. I can feel it in the air. I know that first we're going to have to face another few trials, and probably another re-appearance by my clone. But the day still draws closer. And when that day comes, I swear I'm going to tell those who remain with me my past. I won't bring them into my battles without giving them a choice, first.

After all, I started this whole thing alone. I just hope that it won't have to end that way.

* * *

AN: If it wasn't clear, this is in the Real Syaoran's point of view, sometime during the Infinity arc. More towards the end of the arc, in my mind, but not in any specific point.

This is kind of just a dump of my thoughts on how the Real Syaoran was thinking and feeling when he was traveling with the group. It was inspired mostly by the song "Let It Die" by Three Days Grace. I was originally going to write a songfic to that song, but decided to do this, instead. I still feel like the lyrics to that song fit Syaoran, though, so feel free to look them up if you want to.

This is a sort of companion piece to "Face To Face" and "The Same," both of which can be found on my profile here. Reading those two fics isn't necessary, but it can give you another side to the story, in a way. But it won't greatly affect your reading this fic if you choose to bypass those.


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